Ever since I can remember I have always talked to myself. That’s a common thing right? Doing chores and talking aloud about what tasks to do next, or saying “did I leave the oven on?” I’d say that’s something a lot of people do. Whenever I’d talk about with other people they usually seem to agree that they do that. But it’s when I divulge into my more extreme form of talking to myself where I usually lose people.
Now I’m not even sure if calling it “talking to myself” is accurate because it’s more of a daily acting session. You see, sometimes when I get bored I’ll act out different scenarios. I have conversations with myself out loud and even will respond as the other person would. Usually it has something to do with me being famous.
It can also be influenced by what I’m watching. It seems like I can’t watch a show without putting myself in that show and simulating similar situations. For example one of my usual scenarios is that I’m in an action movie and I always experience an intense situation. I will go as far as running up and down the stairs of my house, hiding behind walls, having intense conversations and saying goodbyes, and even falling on the floor or on the couch when I get injured in some way or another, usually due to my heroic efforts. Just imagine how much fun I had when I watched Game of Thrones. Couldn’t recreate the Arya/Night King scene, that was so legendary that I didn’t even want to touch it.
So for all of you singing show fans out there, how fun are they to watch?! I love both the entertainment value of the shows and also the inspirational moments. I love watching the lives of people change before their eyes. My talentless self is still able to feel for all they go through and I always hope for the best for them. I find myself pausing the shows during their commercial breaks and putting on performances of my own. I actually have a go to set list for my “run on the show”. I start off with a song for the audition, something that lets me display some of my pain for them to feel. I feel like even if it’s not the strongest performance, if there’s pain involved it helps you out. I’d start with something like Elastic Heart by Sia, but the piano version when she says “I want my life so bad, i’m doing everything I can” I usually crack a little bit on “bad” where they can really feel it. I know how sad is that?! I mean me, not the beautiful lyrics.Other songs I usually go to are Everywhere I go by Sleeping at Last (sooo beautiful), and We Don’t Have to Take our Clothes Off the version by Ella Eyre.
Then I always pretend like they tell me that they want to see something different, something less raw and more upbeat so I try and throw in a more pop song like Selena Gomez, or something upbeat by Phillip Phillips. Let me say that I even do the judges critiques out loud as well. I also commonly throw Praying by Kesha into the mix, because you know, why not. On finale night, i’ll put on lipstick and mascara (if I’m not wearing makeup already) and sometimes will throw on a dress. My finale song seems to always be All I Ask by Adele. That is one of my favorite songs of all time and is just from beginning to end extremely beautiful. I’m also going through the exact situation right now, and every single lyric means something special to me. I don’t do it justice but again, I allow my emotions to get the best of me and squeeze in a voice crack usually on, “hold me like I’m more than JUST a friend.” Yes, I literally plan this all out. Of course I have a great winning moment and let out REAL tears everyone. I’m that mad. Mind you, I can’t sing for the life of me.
The same thing happens if I either just saw, or am planning to see a musical, just imagine me performing a one woman show, sometimes to the entire soundtrack. Usually it’s to Rent. I probably lost you through all of this and you’re sitting there looking at your phone reading this and thinking, “what a nutjob, she has way too much time on her hands.” Probably true, but at least I have a good imagination right?
I grew up in New York where it’s not too uncommon for people to throw award show viewing parties. In the midwest I haven’t had any luck finding people to get into it with me. So I usually throw parties by myself. My favorite award show to watch is the Oscars. I love the glitz and glam. I ALWAYS dress up for the Oscars by throwing on one of my favorite gowns. Whether it’s a vintage gown from my mother’s modeling days, a bridesmaid gown, or just something I’ve purchased for a black tie or formal wedding, I’m always in full dress. Glam makeup and everything. I have my favorites that I root for, like I assume lots of people who watch do. Please tell me at least that is normal! I clap along with them, and love to cry when winners get emotional, and also at the touching memorials.
While it seems like I watch like a normal viewer again, during commercial breaks my imagination seems to wander and there I am again watching my “nominated scene” for Best Actress which usually is my first movie, my big break if you will. The scene usually is heartbreaking from a deep, darker drama. When they announce my name I’m in shock and when I arrive to the podium there’s a standing ovation, and my emotions get the best of me and I struggle to speak and the applause gets louder. When it dies down I start my speech which of course I thank my friends and family blahblahblah but then I thank the director for wanting a face no-one has ever seen before to fill such a unique, powerful roll. For example one time I portrayed a mother whose daughter was raped and I was willing to do anything for my daughter to get justice. The scene nominated was me asking my daughter what happened and she was resisting to tell me, I then yell at her that she needs to tell me the truth because I am her mother and I am supposed to protect her, so I would be failing as a mother if she didn’t give me the chance to protect her by telling me the truth. I’m different, I know.
In my opinion some less extreme situations I “act out” is usually just me talking to my celebrity boyfriend, usually a hockey player or actor. I even hug walls and sometimes kiss them because I’m a total freak. I also act out fights and love scenes, and even interviews about our relationship.
So can anyone out there relate to this? Someone please tell me you do similar things. Ever since I can remember I always did this. Maybe I wanted to be an actress? I’m not sure, but I would love to hear if anyone has experienced anything like this. Or even, what are your thoughts on it? Why do you think my brain works like this?
She's Out of Range 