Tag: health

Career FOMO

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Do you ever feel inadequate? I recently started binging New Amsterdam and am totally hooked. The selflessness and dedication these characters have to their job has really been making me doubt my self and giving me major career fomo. 

I graduated college with a bachelors degree, and am currently working in a job, in the field I studied in, but a job that requires a high school diploma or GED. It’s a government job, and has good benefits, but I just feel like i’m not working to my potential. I feel like I have a job, but not a career. I want a big girl job. I want to have passion for what I do. The problem? I don’t even know what I would be passionate about. I have passion for poetry and writing, but is that a viable career opportunity for me? No. I feel like I really have no avenues. I’m stuck to feel like I’m drowning and losing myself in a job I don’t love. 

I don’t hate the idea of going back to school to get my masters, but am I set on this field for the rest of my life? I’m really not sure. When I get my bouts of mania I have all these ideas of what I would want to do. I’ve started writing memoirs, and even started a screenplay. I only really have effort for these during my manic stages. Although I don’t see these hobbies going anywhere, at least I still enjoy them. 

How many other people go through this? Of course I know everyone feels stuck at times. How do people get through it? I wonder if I ever will get anywhere. 

Medication Mismanagement

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I woke up today and didn’t take my medication. I realized I haven’t been appropriately taking them for a while now. Every day I acknowledge that I didn’t take them, and still don’t take them. My main excuse is that they make me nauseous and dizzy if I take them on an empty stomach, and working so early in the morning I don’t get to eat before going to work. I used to bring them to work and eat there, but a lot of times I’d completely forget. 

It does seem like when I have a good routine, my life is better, more organized, healthier. 

I’ve been stressed about so many little things lately; the color of my teeth, my back and forth battle with my skin, I can’t for the life of me decide on a new couch, what do I want my new bedroom to look like? Are all of these little things a sign that my life is actually going well? My credit card was paid off and then I guess the only finances I worry about are student loans (yay for being postponed!) and some medical bills. Medical bills frustrate me since my kidney doesn’t seem to want to get it’s shit together so that’s fun. 

Maybe this is time for me to make a big girl decision and put my mind first. The whole idea of focusing on my morning medication could even become something to set the tone for my entire day. I can try to squeeze something small to eat while I get ready. I tried breakfast drinks, but they seem to make me hungrier than I was when I started. Muffins? Should I try muffins? Maybe I’ll do that. Maybe I’ll start getting a little breakfast together the night before. All this to consistently take my medication. 

The truth is, I’ve felt fine without my meds, but I know it’s not the best for me. I definitely do get a little zany, albeit fun, but a little too much me without them. I also wonder if the inconsistency isn’t helping my skin too much. 

So today, Sunday April 16th I took my morning meds, and am going to take my evening meds as well. I started this day better than any other day, despite getting drunk last night. Woke up early, cleaned the kitchen, did some diy skin care and drank a nice ACV honey lemon cocktail. Isn’t apple cider vinegar the best? This will be a good day, and hopefully tomorrow will be better. 

Allow Me to Introduce Myself

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Oh god, that was lame wasn’t it? Too cheesy? I’m overthinking this already…

“She is water. Powerful enough to drown, you soft enough to cleanse you, deep enough to save you.” – Adrian Michael

Well here I am. All of me, with all of you. I struggle to give anything all of me, as sometimes I’m unaware of where parts of me begin, and parts of me end. I guess writing is a way for me to put myself together and try to make sense of it all.

Ah! My first blog post! What do I say? Just how much should I lay out here? I love words but wish I were better with them.

Here it goes! My name is Cira Dirci and I’m 25 years old. I grew up on Long Island, New York surrounded by people who cared more about their money, their beauty, and their objects more than being good people. Not everyone, obviously, but most of the ones I grew up with. I sometimes find those ideals buried inside me, when I thought I’ve gotten rid of them. Just like the accent that I (very successfully) tried to suppress.

After 20 years of aggressive New York, I followed my heart (a boy) to Minnesota. I know I know, how naive. And before you ask…. yes we broke up! But that’s okay I now have a beautiful home that I share with my beautiful dog. A 25 year old homeowner, that’s something to be proud of right? Minnesota is beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous. While I sometimes find myself missing New York food, or get a late night craving that isn’t available here, I’m happy I ended up here.

No matter what Minnesota will always be special to me. It’s where I graduated college and then got my first full time job. It’s where after years of assuming, I finally got diagnosed with bipolar depression, acute anxiety disorder, and dissociative identity disorder.

After years of struggling with my mental health it felt so good to finally be diagnosed and to be able to get the help I needed. I was thankful that my job provided me with insurance where that would be possible, but never expected my job to lead to yet another mental health diagnosis.

Earlier this year I was physically assaulted by a male coworker of mine. One that I allowed into my personal life and homelife. I thought this person truly had cared, even loved me. I never thought they would hurt. Yet there I was, laying on the floor, being told repeatedly that he wanted to kill me. Like many other victims of abuse, I failed to contact the police right away. That is the only thing I can say I regret in life (and I’ve done a lot of stupid things). After persistent harassment I decided to get a restraining order. Unfortunately my job failed to keep me protected, and ended up keeping me in a hostile work environment, forcing me to relive the traumatic situation over and over again. I finally ask for a little bit of help only for them to figuratively pat me on the head, and then push me aside.

This constant state of fear, anxiety, and extreme stress was keeping me from performing my job to the best of my abilities. Going to work started to make me physically ill. I could no longer sleep. I then got diagnosed with PTSD. After explaining my situation to my unbelievable psychiatrist she requested that I take some time off of work and focus on therapy to start the healing process.

That leads me here! Being off of work is great of course, but with my history of depression I tend to fall into the pattern of doing nothing all day, and losing what progress I’ve worked so hard for. I wish I could binge a new series on Netflix every day like some people in my situation would, but for me that constant couch time would just spiral my bipolar disorder into a very depressive state. Can’t have that. Everyday I need to work on myself. My mind can not get comfortable with not being stimulated every day. I have to make sure I don’t keep lounging around, because if I do, it’s very hard for me to work out of.

I’m trying to force myself to take this time to get healthy; body, mind, soul. I’m trying to push my anxiety ridden little booty into going outside my comfort zone. Gonna get some house projects done, have some DIY fun! But I can’t let the manic in me give myself too much, gotta keep it just right.

So if you’ll have me, I’m going to work it all out on here. Give myself that safe space to lay it all out. Maybe reading it for myself will start some soul healing for me.

So thank you, and welcome.