I’ve been trying to get out of my comfort zone recently, and have been making a conscious effort to analyze my feeling mid situation. I’m very in tune with my anxiety and discomfort and am trying to learn how to tell my body I’m okay. Especially when I’m with people that I trust and feel safe around. This year for me was a year of “yes”. I very comfortably say no and often miss out on things. Sometimes I don’t regret it, but others I get a bit of FOMO. I’ve been trying to put in so much effort on socializing and getting over the whole awkwardness that I feel like I bring. I want to push it as much as I can, and I think I’ve been doing okay so far.
Last weekend I went up north to a cabin with a group of people, a couple of friends and their other friends. I’ve met them all at least once, some more than others, some communicating via social media and what not. I’m a very fun and silly person when I get comfortable, but in the beginning of the day I can be a little bit awkward. It didn’t help that I was at another (socially distanced/masked) event the night before and stayed up late tending to an overly intoxicated friend and had to get up early and drive.
I’ve gotten more comfortable driving to unknown places over the years. It used to give me major anxiety. Even driving to a new restaurant in the next town would really stress me out. What’s the parking like? I needed to know before I left. Anyway, I’m a very suburban person so driving in the more rural areas makes me nervous. I also have a slight fear of the country. I’d rather be walking around a not so great city neighborhood than walk a country road by myself. So I’m following the GPS and of course as we get further into the country it starts bringing me down the dirt roads. Thank you Subaru for making great vehicles and not even having this be a slight problem for my car. That actually helps my anxiety a bit. I’m starting to get nervous that I’m going the right way, and I also have a led foot so I have to make sure I’m going slow enough to make the turn that I can’t see coming, but not too slow that if a car comes I inconvenience them. I turn on a road that says “no outlet” and now I’m getting paranoid about finding the right house. If I pass it how will I turn around? Will I have room? Will I awkwardly have to pull a bit onto someone’s property? Luckily I didn’t miss it. I pull up to the house, and am thankful to see my friends’ cars that I recognize. Now where do I park? I call and ask. Anywhere she says. Her uncle is outside, “just park anywhere” he reiterates. Are any of these vehicles driving to the lake? Will I be in the way? I see the pattern of cars backed into a line. I suppose I’ll have to back mine up as well. I hate backing my car up, I have no confidence. I especially hate it when I have an audience. A country man, no less. “Fucking city girl” he’s probably saying to himself. I start to back up and in pulls another car, oh great another bystander to watch me butcher this. Oh not just another guest, the man I have a school girl crush on (who of course knows because my friend has a big mouth). He smoothly just follows my lead and begins backing up as well. I back up, it was fine. I get out and check, and huh, I did alright. He says hello, my right hand is doing its nervous tremor dance it does. My driving anxiety is gone, my social anxiety kicks in. I think we had a nice little normal chat? I don’t remember.
We walk in the house and introduce ourselves to my friend’s aunt. She thinks we’re together, I didn’t correct her. She’s sweet and welcoming, I feel comforted with her. We walk down to the basement where of course everyone turns and looks. This is possibly one of the most stressful things in the world for me. My right hand is shaking so bad, I’m losing the grip on my phone. I only see two of my friends, the two who’s party it is. I greet them and am offered either a mimosa or Bloody Mary. I don’t drink either, I look around the room and feel left out. I go to my car and make myself a margarita. I go in and socialize and try to be as normal as I can be. I know I come off as awkward, I just hope it’s more shy awkward. After socializing and getting prepared, we’re ready to go to the lake. People get in vehicles and I’m panicked wondering where I’ll end up. I ended up with the aunt and uncle and two girls I barely know. Lovely. I’m trying my best not to pick at my skin.
We get to the boats and I’m excited to be out in the sun. We pull over to a beach and everyone gets out and jumps into the water. I’m too uncomfortable to wear just my swimsuit. I’ll sit in the boat and get some sun. Of course I’m badgered. I get in the water and try to stand knee deep so my shorts don’t get wet. I’m pestered to take off my clothes. “You stand out more with clothes on than you do in a bathing suit” my friend points out. She meant it to be comforting. “You have a great body, stop” another says. Here’s the thing, I’m a small girl. That doesn’t mean I can’t have my own insecurities. I have small boobs, and I’m surrounded by girls with great boobs. I used to have nice thighs, but sadly lost weight so I don’t want to show them off. I’m personally not attracted to the supermodel type, so I’m not attracted to myself. I’m just not that comfortable. The weird thing is, I’m very comfortable with my sexuality and sensuality, but those come with different territories. My friend wants to take pictures in our matching swimsuits. It’s her day, so I do it for her. I suffer through it and it’s not horrible.
Back at the cabin the awkwardness sets in again. It’s time to mingle and what not. I’m trying to drink my margaritas but don’t seem to be getting any more intoxicated. When will the alcohol hit me enough to be comfortable? Why am I still overthinking these inhibitions? We play beer darts, great, another game when it’s your turn people watch! Love those. Not. Someone makes a joke about me so I, in turn, jokingly “angrily” throw my dart. It hits someone’s foot. Pierce’s through his shoe, and poked his foot breaking skin. I’m mortified. People think it’s funny, I’m trying to laugh but want to throw up. He’s laughing, that helps. We play some more games and I’m getting more comfortable.
As the night goes on I’m opening up. I’m having one on one conversations with people I don’t really know, and starting to bond with people. The man I have a crush on tells me he hears I’m a protector. I tell him I will do what I have to for my friends, and if anyone tries to hurt them they’re going to have to answer to the bipolar girl who blacks out when she’s filled with rage. It’s caused me problems in my past, but I’ve been calm for years. She’s ready to come out if she needs to. He asks me to square up with him and show him what I’ve got. I’m nervous but had enough to drink I’m a little bit confident. Plus, I’m always eager to show my east coast side to these midwesterners. He’s impressed. He says he’s glad our friends have me in their lives. He’s a wonderful man. We all play a drinking game, we’re very team oriented, my team was very supportive, I was probably the weakest link but they never made me feel that way. I think I’m comfortable.
Time passes, I’ve drank a whole bottle of tequila, and I manage to drink some seltzer’s and beer without wanting to die. Usually I can’t take a sip of beer without laughing at how horrible it is. Anyway, I’m somehow so comfortable I suggest a group of us go skinny dipping just like they do on Vanderpump Rules, a show me and my friend love. We walk out to the road and try to find an entrance to the lake. We’re not having any luck. We’re laughing about how it’s pitch black and like we’re in a scary movie. I’m laughing along, nervously. We can’t find a smart and safe way to walk through the trees down the hill to the lake so we go back. We go to the fire where the rest of the group is sitting. I feel awkward because I’m now braless. Fuck it. More people hear we tried to go skinny dipping, now they want to try. This time it’s only of my friends and two of her friends. Her male friends. I’m reluctant but I’m thinking you know what, just do it. I’ve never skinny dipped before and I really wanted to. We go out to the road and someone finds a path! I didn’t actually think we would. As we walk to the path I’m getting nervous and questioning why the fuck am I doing this with strangers. We get to the dock and I’m wondering if anyone will back out. They don’t. Someone strips down and jumps in. I take off my dress and jump in. We then realize the other two kept their underwear on and feel weird. No, we should feel proud we did it the right way. The water was so warm but the brush under our feet was a little freaky. I tried not to think about it. Thankfully it was late and dark as hell out so I wasn’t too self conscious. Remember early in the day I was too nervous to wear a bathing suit? Now I’m naked in a lake. I can’t lie, it felt amazing. We walked back and then went into the hot tub. Thank god for the jets so you couldn’t see anything. At this point the heat of the hot tub is starting to make me aware of just how much I had to drink. Time fore to get out before I get too dehydrated and dizzy. I already don’t do too well in hot tubs. I can do about 20 minutes max. I dry off, put on pjs and then get on into a comfy ass recliner. Two people were watching “It”. Just what I want to fall asleep to in the middle of nowhere, a scary movie.
I only slept for a couple of hours and then couldn’t sleep. The next mornings are always awkward. Time to start the anxiety all over again! I woke up feeling a little tired, but not horrible. I was getting praised for how impressed people were with how much I can drink. 120 pounds and put down a bottle of tequila, some random shots from a shot roulette game, beer and seltzer. I too, was impressed. We ate breakfast and said our goodbyes. The hangover hit me on the drive home. Man, was I tired. I got home played with my dog then took a nap. I didn’t even care that I’ve yet to shower from being in the lake and hot tub, I needed a nap. The rest of the day was pretty much a struggle.
I know myself pretty well and know that social situations exhaust me. They take so much out of me. I can still enjoy them, but as soon as I’m removed from the event I just fall apart. I get a social hangover. Then you factor in the fact that I had a bit to drink and was probably hungover from that, too. Man was I exhausted. I’m 26, I should be able to recover easily. It was a struggle the entire rest of the day. Taking my dog for her walks felt like a legitimate exercise. I didn’t even want to make food. I had no energy. I really did have a great time, and it was an awesome way to end the season. I like to think that I pushed myself, and in turn created some friendships. I’m hoping the next time I see these people again, at my friends’ wedding, I won’t have to start over and can go into with a little bit of comfort and confidence and will keep working my way up.
She's Out of Range 